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I wrote this for a Tumblr friend and thought I should share it with you too
I’m in a similar place. In August my fiance broke up with me. We were doing fine, planning a March wedding, and then BOOM she dropped the bomb and moved out that night.
I’ve been a broken man ever since. The differences between you and me: I live alone, and work from home. So I really have no human contact. Just me and my thoughts. And as you know, the more you think the crazier you get.
I’m too shy to meet anyone over Jack’d, Grindr, or Scruff. Too afraid of rejection. I’m old (41), chubby, and hairy. I have low self-esteem.
And so I sit here and wallow. And fall further down the spiral. Not doing anything to improve my situation. Not feeling the energy or motivation. I just want to sleep and eat.
And dream of being loved, accepted — Having someone to extend my love to. Someone to text every day. To listen to. To care for. To touch.
And hate myself for not turning my dreams into a reality.
Anyhow… you’re not alone.
I was loved once. Twice. Three times. Maybe four. I look forward to finding the person who will love me again.
Browsing the gay / LGBT tags on Tumblr makes me feel old, ugly, and lonely. Everyone here is so young, beautiful, and partnered.
Depression, pain, and fear are gifts that say, “Sweetheart, take a look at your thinking in this moment. You’re living in a story that isn’t true for you.” Living a lie is always stressful. And investigating a lie through The Work always leads you back to who you are. Who you are is not an option. You are love. It hurts to believe you’re other than who you are, to live any story less than love.
I’m going to do it.
I was feeling lonely tonight. KH was at work and I didn’t want to go home to an empty house. So I went out. I bought a book about Thoreau and ate frozen yogurt while I read it. When I was leaving, feeling more lonely than I did when I arrived I saw the above. None of the “needs” resonated with me. I wished there was one labeled “Friendship” or “Love” or “Courage”. So I took “Strength” instead.
